​Arson:

• don't use accelerants​, dead give away. Watch some TV for christsakes people!


Bribery:

• No judge has ever taken a bribe under $30,000.
• If you can carry your bribing money not in a suitcase, its not enough.

Child trafficking:

• Don't ever higher a man named Johnny "The Baby" Wazzinski.
• Don't do it in a precinct with a crime solving cat.
• Don't steal fatties, the shipping cost to Indonesia is through the roof!

NEW Cyber Bullying:

• Cyber bullying is the new hot ticket. But as always, make sure you don't leave a paper trail.
• Make sure you are bigger than the person you are bullying.
• Or that they're old.

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Drug Trafficking / Distribution:

• It is better if your drug mule can not only not speak english but also other well known languages.
• I personally choose people from finland. So polite.
• Just like Costco there are deals when you go bigger. So maybe spend a bit more.

​

Embezzlement:

• Don't get caught.

Extortion:

• Really don't get caught.

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Forgery:

• Most foreign countries make pretty good fake American currency.
• The trick is to get some of their supplies, some of our supplies.
• And watch out for stupid crime fighting cats!

Identity Theft:

• ​If you try to become Adam Worthington I will kill you, I stole this identity fair and square.

Insurance Fraud:

• ​Leave the country, or at least go to the less good parts. 
   

Kidnapping:

• See "child trafficking"

Voluntary Manslaughter:​

• If you're planning on this one "involuntary manslaughter" is off the table

Prostitution:

• I don't know how this got on here...
• I swear I don't know anything...​
   

Pyramid Schemes:

• Make sure they are actually shaped like a pyramid or you're doing it wrong.
• be on the top of the pyramid.

Robbery:

• Have a get away driver.
• Don't yell "Hey I'm robbing this place" Stupid Gary "The Parrot". R.I.P.

Shoplifting:

• What are you 12?
• Oh, you are? Well go to the end of the isle behind the end caps where cameras cant see you and put it in your pocket

Tax Evasion / Fraud:

• Do the opposite of Wesley Snipes

Vandalism:

• Go big or go home.